Busy, Busy, Busy

What bokononists whisper whenever they think of how complicated and unpredictable the machinery of life really is.

By Elton Beard
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who divide people into two kinds and those who don't. I don't.

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ARCHIVE

Saturday, September 25, 2004
10:15 PM PT

Shorter David Brooks:
Another Triumph for the U.N.

The United Nations is too weak to move against the slaughter in Darfur but powerful enough to stop the Bush administration from riding to the rescue.

10:00 PM PT

Shorter Charles Krauthammer:
The Art Of Losing Friends

Thanks to Bush's deft handling of international relations, the number of America's friends is such that if Kerry offends one then we may soon have none.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004
4:00 PM PT

Shorter William Safire:
First, Find the Forger

Nobody gets away with corrupting a presidential election in favor of a Democrat.

Bonus Potentially Felonious Trouser Conflagration: Safire writes that "Terry McAuliffe, as former prosecutor Joseph DiGenova noted on MSNBC, carefully denied a role only in the preparation of the [CBS] documents".

But Mr. Safire vouches for Mr. DiGenova only to deceive his readers. The careful denial he refers to was a straightforward response to Wolf Blitzer's question specifically regarding Republican claims that "Democratic operatives may have been involved in faking these documents". Not only that, but well before the New York Times went to press last night, McAuliffe returned to CNN with this clarification:

Let me be unequivocally clear. There was no involvement, no dissemination, no involvement with these documents at all by anybody involved in the John Kerry for president or the Democratic National Committee, period. ... We had nothing to do with these documents in any way, shape or form.

If Safire is to be presumed competent - obviously, a rebuttable presumption - then he must be aware of McAuliffe's broad disclaimer. And his failure to mention it can only mean that he intentionally misleads his readers (this accusation will be retracted when Mr. Safire apologizes for ignoring both the context of McAuliffe's original statement and the follow-up). In doing so, he defrauds us of honest information about the pending presidential election in order to influence the outcome.

And, he has transmitted his fraudulent artifice by wire across several states.

In other (mostly Safire's) words, he helped cause the fraudulent article to be transmitted by means of internet communication to millions of voters for the purpose of influencing a federal election.

Careful readers of Safire's piece already know exactly where all this is going. Per the pundit, here is the U.S. Criminal Code, Chapter 63, Section 1343:

Whoever, having devised any scheme or artifice to defraud transmits or causes to be transmitted by means of wire, radio or television communication in interstate or foreign commerce, any writings for the purpose of executing such scheme or artifice, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than 20 years, or both.

By Safire's own standard this seems like an open-and-shut case, no? But victimized New York Times readers cannot put real heat on the perpetrator or conspirators. Is no prosecutor prepared to enforce the law?

11:00 AM PT

Shorter Nicholas D. Kristof:
Washing Away the Mud

Been blind so long it looks like balance to me.

Just how well-balanced is Mr. Kristof? Only last Saturday, he noted that "the Swift Boat Veterans ... are engaging in one of the ugliest smears in modern U.S. politics." And here is what he wrote today:

What I found most dispiriting over the last month of politicking was the sight of ... George H. W. Bush and Bob Dole - climbing on the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth bandwagon ...
Both former President Bush and Mr. Dole are honorable.

Yup, George H. W. Bush and Bob Dole are honorable men, notwithstanding their enthusiastic participation in "one of the ugliest smears in modern U.S. politics". So says the honorable Mr. Kristof. But what about John Kerry? Is he an honorable man? Oddly, our well-meaning pundit is mute on this specific question, although he does have a bone to pick with the Democratic candidate:

If they're intellectually consistent, Democrats will speak out not only against the Swift Boat Veterans but also against Mr. Kerry's demagoguery on trade, like his suggestion that outsourcing is the result of Mr. Bush's economic policies.

But of course - John Kerry is a demagogue for suggesting that Mr. Bush is responsible for the results of his trade policy! And thus does the intellectually consistent Nick Kristof fairly balance the Swift Boat smear with a morally equivalent Democratic attack on Mr. Bush's record. See, both sides play dirty! Plus, look, over there - it's Michael Moore! Case closed. Now, can we all just get along?

See Also: uggabugga here and here.

See Also II: Tom Tomorrow on the Sensible Liberal.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004
4:00 PM PT

Shorter David Brooks:
Finally, Kerry Takes a Stand

Kerry plans to swiftly bug out of Iraq, which is bad, while Bush plans to keep on killing Iraqis until Iraq becomes a democracy, which is realistic.

See Also: Josh Marshall on Brooks' misrepresentation (because for better or worse, candidate Kerry is not promising to exit Iraq anytime soon).

Monday, September 20, 2004
9:00 PM PT

Shorter Fred Hiatt:
Democracy in Trouble

The flaws of others are clearly visible through the glass walls of my house.

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Busy, busy, busy.
What bokononists whisper whenever they think of how complicated and unpredictable the machinery of life really is.

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